


No Offense, Varian

by Royalsciencenerd



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: 5 + 1 Fic, Eugene Fitzherbert is a good big bro, F/M, Gen, Inside jokes, Most of the time..., Post-Episode: s03e19 Plus Est En Vous, Team Awesome (Disney: Tangled)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:01:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27647891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalsciencenerd/pseuds/Royalsciencenerd
Summary: Team Awesome has inside jokes, as all good friends do. This is a look at five times Eugene and Varian share a laugh at their most famous inside joke, and one time it was no longer funny.
Relationships: Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider & Varian, Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider/Rapunzel, Quirin & Varian (Disney)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 97





	No Offense, Varian

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello. I am not dead, (on the outside- inside, ehhhh, it's debatable). I'm just drowning in end of semester deadlines, papers, grading, finals, etc., etc. We love grad school.... (In all seriousness I do love it, but my first love is sleep, and I miss her...). 
> 
> I hope to have free time after finals finish in 2 weeks, so stay tuned for much better writing, including a Creeping Crystals update (hopefully), but until then, enjoy this mediocre work I wrote 3 months ago, and just now finished editing. :)

It all starts at the Snuggly Duckling. Rapunzel’s giving her big speech about how “this is the biggest challenge this kingdom has ever faced,” and Eugene elbows him and smirks. “No offense, Varian.”

Varian smiles back. “Eh.” And so, the inside joke is born….

~~~~~~

The castle baking competition is in full swing, and Varian could not be more excited. He’s always loved baking, and he just found a new triple chocolate chip cookie recipe he’s been dying to try. Eugene finds him in the kitchen, covered in flour.

“Whatcha making, kid?” Eugene asks, stealing a taste from the bowl using his finger.

“Hey! Don’t touch that! It’s for the competition,” Varian whined.

“So…, what is it?” Eugene repeated.

“Oh, I found this new recipe for triple chocolate chip cookies. They’re going to be a shoo-in for first prize!”

Eugene frowned. “Are you sure cookies are the best idea?”

Varian stared at Eugene in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I’m just saying, with your whole history with using cookies for nefarious purposes, maybe they aren’t the best idea. For you…. No offense, Varian.”

“Crap! You’re right!” Varian face-palmed. “I’m an idiot.”

“How about I help you make something less suspicious, and in exchange you give me these cookies?” Eugene smiled.

Varian smirked. “Oh, so now you trust my cookies….”

“Kid, I’ve always trusted your cookies. As long as they’re not purple…. No offense.”

Varian smiled. “None taken. Now let’s get to work.”

~~~~~~

The next year at the science expo, Varian is chosen as a judge. Being the royal engineer has its perks. He’s walking through the invention displays, when he finds a display showcasing an automaton that’s supposed to help with daily chores. Varian smiles. It is impressive- it has a good chance of winning (he’ll have to confer with his other judges first. After the St. Croix expo, Queen Rapunzel was requiring multiple judges to ensure fairness at the expo).

He’s admiring how the ball and socket joints make increased movement possible, when Eugene appears out of nowhere, elbowing him in the side.

“Seems more impressive than yours, huh Goggles.”

When Varian glares up at him, Eugene shrugs. “No offense, Varian,” he smirks.

Varian rolls his eyes. “Mine were still more impressive than anything you could ever hope to make, Fitzherbert.”

Eugene mockingly clasped his hand over his chest. “You wound me.”

Varian laughs. “No offense, Eugene.”

~~~~~~

“Are you sure you want to be friends with this guy? He’s an ex-thief!” Eugene glances between Varian and Hugo.

“You’re one to talk!” Varian shoots back.

“Fair, fair…. But are you really the best judge of character? Remember Andrew…. I’m just saying- you have some questionable friend choices, no offense, Varian.”

“Eh, but so does Rapunzel, and that worked out for her. Besides, I’m friends with you, aren’t I?” Varian smirked.

Eugene sighed. “Okay, I trust you Goggles. But if this doesn’t work out, tell Rapunzel I had nothing to do with this.”

Varian laughed, “Relax, I’ll just make up some nonsense about my new dream- she’ll forgive me.”

Eugene smirked. “You know us too well, Goggles.”

~~~~~~

“Tada. Now you have your very own alchemy belt,” Varian finished helping Eugene adjust the straps.

“Now are you sure you know what all these are? Because it will reflect poorly on me as the captain of the guard if I throw a bath bomb while trying to intercept someone. No offense, Varian.” Eugene smirked.

“Haha, very funny, Eugene. You know that was one time! And I still can’t believe Rapunzel told you about that. But yes, I know what all of these are- no bath bombs here.” Varian smiled.

“Thanks kid,” Eugene ruffled his hair. “Now let’s go catch some bad guys.”

~~~~~~

Varian is in his lab with Eugene, Lance, and Rapunzel, about to show them his latest chemical compound he’s invented, when it happens. The inside joke is no longer funny.

Varian is just explaining how this new compound, based on his animal trapping goo, will help the guards safely and more efficiently catch perps, when Eugene makes their inside joke. Except it isn’t funny this time.

“Are you sure this is safe, kid? Are you sure we can get people out of it easily? Because we wouldn’t want to accidentally entrap someone in some unbreakable substance for an extended period of time, no offense, Varian.” Eugene smirks.

Varian feels the air leave his lungs, almost as if he’s been hit by a cart. He carefully recaps the flask containing the compound, and places it on his lab bench. He hopes the others can’t see his palms shaking.

“I-I just remembered. I need to- to go,” Varian mumbles, turning and walking swiftly from his lab, trying in vain to make it look like he’s not fleeing.

Rapunzel turns to glare at Eugene, while Lance frowns. “Not cool, Eugene,” he mutters before following after the kid. Rapunzel shakes her head.

“Blondie- I just…. It was an inside joke,” Eugene stammered.

“Yes, well this time, you took it too far,” Rapunzel stated, before leaving the room, shaking her head.

~~

Lance finds Quirin in the castle gardens, sitting on a bench, enjoying the afternoon sun. One look at Lance’s face, and Quirin knows something’s wrong.

“Look, I’m sorry to bother you sir,” Lance starts, “but Eugene said something to Varian and now he’s upset and has run off, and we don’t know where he went. And- and I think you should be the one to find him, because well- he needs you.”

Quirin immediately gets up. “Let’s go find my son.”

After searching room after room, getting nowhere, Quirin pauses to think. There has to be a better way to go about this. Turning to Lance, Quirin sighs, “So what exactly did Eugene say that upset Varian so much? And while I love my son, and of course want to comfort him, why did you have to come find me?”

Lance fidgeted uncomfortably. “Well you know about their little inside joke- the whole ‘no offense, Varian’ thing?”

Quirin nodded. Whatever Eugene had said to upset his son, it definitely wasn’t good.

“Well, he kind of took it too far, and made a casual remark about someone getting trapped in one of Varian’s compounds, like-like how you were trapped, and well- I just really think, from one father to another, that you should be the one to find Varian. He needs you.”

Quirin stared at Lance in shock. EUGENE SAID WHAT?!?!? Next time he saw Fitzherbert, he’d- he’d- well TBD on that. Right now, he needs to focus on finding Varian and making sure he’s okay.

On the bright side, with this added info, Quirin knows exactly where his son is hiding. Sure enough, they find Varian cradling Ruddiger in a corner of his old prison cell. Quirin sighs, he had hoped they were past this being one of Varian’s “safe spaces.” It really wasn’t. Nodding at Quirin, Lance left to give the two some space.

Quirin walked over and slid down the wall, sitting next to his son. Varian clutched Ruddiger tighter, and turned his face away. “Do you want to talk about it?” Quirin asked.

Varian shook his head, burying his face in Ruddiger’s fur. Quirin wrapped an arm around his son’s shoulders, pulling him close. It’d been a decade since Varian had been a prisoner in this cell- Quirin had hoped that his son had finally moved on. But it seemed some scars were still there, even if he couldn’t see them.

Clutching his son close to his chest, Quirin ran his hand through his son’s hair. Now that Varian had hit his growth spurt, he couldn’t even rest his chin on his son’s head anymore. It was unnerving to see his son, so grown up and strong, look so small in this moment.

“You know,” Quirin started. “Eugene’s comment was uncalled for, right?”

Varian nodded into Ruddiger’s fur, refusing to look up.

“And you know,” Quirin continued, “that to this day I don’t blame you for what happened. You were only trying to help, and I was keeping secrets from you because I thought I was protecting you, but I wasn’t. If anything, it was my fault for not being honest with you.”

Varian shook his head, still refusing to make eye contact. “I should’ve listened when you told me not to mess with those rocks.”

“Perhaps,” Quirin sighed. “But I should have been more honest with you about why. You always were such a curious kid. I should’ve known better than to tempt you.”

Varian shuddered as his tears flowed into Ruddiger’s fur. “I just wanted to make you proud.”

Ruffling his son’s hair, Quirin smiled. “But you did, and you continue to each and every day. I know I used to never say it enough, but I am proud of you, Varian. Regardless of your past mistakes. In fact, our mistakes are what brought us closer together, so I will always be grateful for them, because while they may have been awful in the moment, they brought us to where we are now. And I couldn’t be prouder of you Varian. I love you, son.”

Looking up, Varian gave a tearful smile. “I love you too, dad.”

~~

Upon returning to his lab, Varian set to work on another invention. Quirin was more than happy to help, and while inventing always made Varian feel better, inventing with his dad was by far the best.

Both Rapunzel and Lance stopped by to make sure he was okay. Varian offered to show them how the compound worked now, but they agreed they could reschedule. A few hours later, and Eugene Fitzherbert himself showed up.

Quirin, upon seeing him, stepped protectively in front of his son, but Varian placed a hand on his arm, stopping him.

“It’s okay, dad. I’m okay.”

Quirin nodded and moved to give his son space. “I’ll be right outside if you need me, son.” Shoving past Fitzherbert, Quirin glared. That boy better have one heck of an apology up his sleeve for his son.

Varian continued to work on his latest experiment, refusing to make eye contact with Eugene. Eugene awkwardly rubbed his neck. “So about earlier…. Varian- I’m-”

“It’s okay, Eugene,” Varian stated, not even looking up from what he was doing.

Eugene frowned. “But it’s not Varian, and that’s the problem. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. I took the joke too far, and it wasn’t funny. I’m sorry.”

Varian paused his work and looked up at Eugene. “It’s- it’s okay. Really.”

“Are you sure?” Eugene asked. “Because I would understand if you need some space, and-”

“No, really, Eugene. I’m okay.” Varian gave a small smile. “I mean, the joke hurt, but I’m okay now. My dad was there to make sure I’m okay.”

Eugene nodded. “That’s good, kid. I’m glad to hear it.”

With that, he turned and left the lab. Quirin re-entered and approached his son, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright, son?”

Varian nodded. “I am. Thanks, dad.” Turning back to his work, Varian continued jotting down notes for his latest invention. Seeing his father glare at the doorway through which Eugene left, Varian smirked. “Promise me you won’t kill Eugene next time you see him, dad. I’d hate for me to be the one finding you in prison.”

Quirin smirked. “No promises.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to let me know what you thought. :D


End file.
